How to Annoy a Pregnant Woman

If you want to annoy a pregnant woman, start your conversation with her by reaching out and resting your hand on her belly. That’s a nearly guaranteed first step toward annoyance.

Recently, we asked our Facebook followers to share the most annoying questions they were asked while pregnant. These are the oh-so painful questions they were asked.

“Was it planned?”

Ask the pregnant woman if she planned her pregnancy. Don’t stop there, though. Ask her, “Was it planned or was it an accident?” Be sure to mention the accident. That’s important.

Bonus: if she has several young children with her, stare at them while you ask.

Bonus for store clerks: if you are a cashier and a woman is buying a pregnancy test, say, “Uh-oh.”

Ask about Her Age

Everyone knows that women are only fertile when they are 29 years old—plus they love talking about their age—so if the pregnant woman looks younger or older than 29, ask about her age. Say, “Aren’t you a little young/old to be pregnant?”

Ask about Her Weight

The other thing all women love talking about is their weight. When you meet any woman, ask her, “Are you pregnant or just fat?” If you know she’s pregnant, change that to, “Do you feel fat?” You could also keep your question more open by asking, “How much have you gained?” Everyone should be about the same size, so, if she looks smaller than that size, say, “Wow, you’re that far along? You don’t look like it.”

Bonus: scrunch up your nose after you talk about her weight and say, “What is your due date?”

Double bonus:  tell her, “You’re so big! Are you due soon?” Make sure she’s pregnant before you ask this. Otherwise, it would be rude.

Ask about Twins

While we’re on the subject of weight and the ideal size of a pregnancy, let’s talk about the comments everyone should make to every pregnant woman at least once. Ask about the twins. There are so many ways to ask:

• Start with, “You must be having twins.”
• If you feel confident she is having at least triplets, say, “Wow! How many are in there?”
• When she tells you it isn’t twins, persist with, “Are you sure it’s not twins? You look like you are ready to pop.” Ask her again next time you see her. Same question.

Bonus for store clerks:  whenever you see a pregnant woman, say, “You’re not gonna have that baby in here, are ya?”

Ask about Sex

Don’t ask about the act of sex by which she became pregnant. That would be impolite. Ask about the sex of the baby. If that seems too direct, just say, “What are you having?” or “Do you know what you are having?” If she’s already annoyed, she might answer, “We’re hoping for a baby.”

Bonus: if she actually tells you the baby is a girl, ask her, “When are you going to try for that boy?”

Ask about Plans for the Birth

Ask the pregnant woman about her plans for the birth, then be sure to question her plans. Say, “Are you sure you want to have it naturally?” Not “give birth” but “have it.” If she plans to give birth in a hospital, ask the variant, “Are you sure you want to have it in the hospital?”

Bonus: follow up with “What does the doctor say?”

When You Meet Again

If you’ve already talked to a pregnant woman about being pregnant, acknowledge that fact by going out of your way to talk to her again, then ask, “Are you STILL pregnant?” or “Haven’t you had that baby yet?”

Share Her Feelings

Especially if the pregnant woman you meet is an introvert, ask her about her feelings. Ask in a way that requires a “YES” or “NO” answer. Say, “Are you excited?”

Bonus:: instead of “Are you excited?” ask “Are you scared.” It’s really important to name feelings and have her check them off one by one. Keep going until you find a feeling that she feels.

Or, You Could Try This

Most of these questions are just efforts of the person asking to get a signal from the pregnant woman how to react. That’s good. That’s excellent. You want to share. What isn’t excellent is treating a woman’s pregnancy like a public event. If she is a generally private person, she hasn’t stopped being private just because she’s making another human being. She didn’t stop being a person with a name and privacy to become a public character called “the pregnant woman.”

The best bet is to be neutral in what you say unless you know her very well—and maybe even then.

As one of our Facebook followers suggested, you might say, “You must be excited!” or “You must be happy!” A neutral comment will allow her to invite more conversation on the topic if she wants it.

Image © Andrey Zametalov | Dreamstime.com